Buta...

Lewat subuh tadi, terngiang-ngiang di minda alunan nasyid masa zaman sekolah dahulu...

Buta mata tak nampak jalan di dunia

Kerana tidak nampak cahaya

Tidak tahu ke mana hendak dituju

Ke hilir atau ke hulu

Selamatlah di dunia fana ini

Bilamana mata tidak buta

Melalui pengalaman diri

Kerana jalan itu sudah biasa

Ada pedoman yang menunjuk kita

Tongkat di tangan membantu jua

Boleh jadi orang simpati yang membawa

Tapi jika buta hati menderita

Tidak nampak jalan menuju ke akhirat

Negeri yang kekal abadi

Tidak diukur, tidak diukur dengan masa

Tidak ada kawan yang datang membantu

Tiada pengalaman yang memastikannya

Tiada pedoman menunggu kita

Tidak ada yang simpati menolong kita

Dalam kegelapan terjun ke neraka

Menderita ke negeri yang abadi

Tidak kembali ke dunia lagi

Tiada gunanya penyesalan diri

Oleh itu banyakkan amal dan bakti

Sepertimana yang kita bagitau Abang Man, very der fire and brimstone nyer lirik kan? Tapi kebenarannya menyentuh hati...

We're all currently blind to some degree. Siapa sini berani dabik dada kata dia dah cukup bagus untuk masuk syurga? Kalau ada terdetik tu, tolong-tolong lar sedar sikit ek?

Untuk diri ini, ahli keluarga dan teman-teman tersayang, Ri doakan agar betapa buta pun kita sekarang ni, moga kita akan celik juga akhirnya dan berjaya menemui jalan kepadaNya.

Amiin...

P.S. Tak suka versi moden nasyid ni, yang Saff-One nyanyi tuh... Lagi besh versi ori yang kumpulan budak-budak tu bawak dulu :P

Sapa ade jupe MP3 lagu ori please pass to me okay? :) Thanks!

Appreciation

Assalaam 'alaikum wa rahmatullah

To all my friends who've visited

and left notes of well wishes

(even Mr. Anonymous who had a really weird way of expressing it!)

Thank you, BIG BIG!

I am well and getting better

Your kindness is very much appreciated...

Accident

Hey! You!!

*dazed (wha...?)

Can't you SEE I've put on my signal to turn right?!

(yeah, fool, sho ah can see. but what yo doin' turnin' right when the junction's still 50 metres away? oOOh... you actually wanted to U-turn! well, so sorry I din't see the fancy U-TURN SIGNAL your very high-tech Gen-2 was flashing! 'sides, ain't there an honest to goodness double line here where yo wanna turn?!!)

Okay, I need to get to the club right away!

(what??? yo jus goan leave me lying here on the frigging road??! idjit!!!)

'Nuff said...

My part of the conversation happened mostly in my head though. I was still too shocked to say anything. Besides, there's no winning when arguing with a blockhead like that!  :P

My most heartfelt appreciation to the Wira Driver, the Husband and Wife on Motorbike team as well as the Indonesian Repairman who helped bang my clutch pedal and foot rest back into somewhat serviceable shape.

And my utmost gratitude to Budak Baik who stayed with me near to 3 hours at the Emergency Room, and then drove me home.

Daripada 10 biji telur yang dibawa, yang lebih kurang selamat tinggal 5.

"5 termasuk yang 2 tu ke...?" Budak Baik berseloroh.

"Ah, yang 2 tu lama dah takde..." Aku, selamba.

Realization...

It has never been about me...

Tak kira lar Abang Imam ke, Helmy ke, atau Sham, Abang Apai, Boy, Budak Baik, malah ramai lagi. Because when I make it about me, that's when things start going wrong...

It may have taken me 20 freaking years to realize but the important thing is I've realized it. Dakara Man nii-san, hontou ni arigatou gozaimashita.

It may have been hormones (or maybe it's just my c**k talking :P) that made me approach them in the first place but Rabbiy has other plans.

Rabbiy led me to these people NOT BECAUSE of what they could give me BUT BECAUSE of what I can potentially do for them.

Previously, somewhere in between, my needs would have entered the picture. The needs are emotional and highly demanding. It drains the relationship to a breaking point, where they will just give up and leave...

Rabbiy didn't bring us together to fulfill my needs but for me to fulfill theirs. I was there to help them, advise them, support them, be there for them, care for them as much as I'm humanly able.

I know there will be times when it will tire and overwhelm me, times when I would want to demand more of the relationship, but I know I shouldn't. And I hope this realization will give me the strength to refrain, because...

...it has never been about me. It never will be. All I need to be is there when they need me and as for the rest, 'alaihi tawakkaltu...

Minna... Ganbatte ne!

To quote Rudy Bluehikari no okaa-san...

"Au wa wakare no hajime nari"

Last Friday, there was a sense of emptiness as I stepped in for work. Tersentak aku. Dengan perletakan jawatan dua kawan baik aku ini, bermakna aku keseorangan di sini...

No one to turn to. No one I can fully trust. No other place to run to. No more support.

Aku tau korang tetap akan blah jugak satu hari nanti cuma aku tak sangka lar secepat ni. And by the time I knew about it, it was too late to change your minds.

Korang tau, petang Jumaat tu kat opis, tengah aku sibuk-sibuk isi borang claim tempat swasta puaka tu, tiba-tiba Big Boss keluar. Alih-alih dia bagitau aku suruh siapkan laporan nak tutup RF (alaa... justifikasi nak satukan kedai dengan RF yang tak siap-siap tu).

Lepas tu dia citer skit pasal korang jumpe dia sebelum blah pagi sebelumnya tu. Dia bagitau betapa terkilannya dia korang blah time jabatan amat memerlukan... (korang tak caya tanye Kak Dila) Bila dia kata gitu, aku pun rasa kebenaran statement tu...

I think I might even have to put my Masters plan on hold... And Prof Sham says I should apply soon because they're going to make the intake requirement even tougher for the next round.

Entah ler... aku pun macam hilang semangat dah lar... untuk ape-ape pun lar...

But having said all that, I know you're really really happy to have left. Tinggalkan semua menatang alah karut marut yang ada kat sini! Hehehe...

Harap masa hadapan yang makin cerah menanti di hadapan korang :) Amiin...