Friday, March 25, 2011

Sapa aku ni?

Nape aku lebihkan sangat kawan atau kenalan daripada darah daging aku sendiri?
Nape ek?

Ape sebabnye?
Aku tak tau lah!!!

Ma: "Dari Subang nak ke Kuala Lumpur kan boleh singgah jap hantar awak? Maaf cakap, dah le gi cuti freeloading tapi takde pun pikirkan nak tolong awak?"

Pa: "Awak ni berabis untuk kawan-kawan awak tapi Papa tengok takde timbal balas pun. Asyik awak je yang bagi?"

Aku mampu sabar tahan marah aje.
Ada betulnye semua kata-kata mak pak tu.
Tapi tu bukan seluruh ceritanye...
Terlalu banyak yang tersirat.
Keluarga aku beza dengan keluarga lain, dengan protokolnye, dengan kekangannye, all presenting a good face to the outside world...

Sapa aku ni pada kawan-kawan dan kenalan aku ni?
Nape aku bole sayang luar biasa kat diorang?
Memang nampak macam ambil kesempatan kat aku walaupun pada hakikatnye aku sendiri yang biarkan benda tu berlaku...
Mungkin ada yang naik lemak dan terus mempergunakan aku.
Mungkin ada yang menyampah sebab aku harapkan lebih daripada apa yang diorang mampu bagi.
Mungkin aku ni tak bermakna ape pun pada diorang.

Aku cukup kagum dengan orang yang berkawan sangat-sangat akrab, hingga dapat susah senang bersama, suka duka bersama.
Aku cemburu!
Aku blom penah merasa persaudaraan persahabatan yang sebegitu!
Pehubungan yang dulu aku jalin dan sangkakan persahabatan sebenarnya sekadar mempergunakan aku!

Kini, betapa baiknye pun aku layan orang, aku tau orang tu kemungkinan besar tak dapat bagi balik sebagaimana yang aku bagi atau sebagaimana yang penah aku harap.

Aku dah berhenti berharap...

Bagi aku, hidup aku kini biarlah memudahkan dan memberi kemudahan dalam setiap perkara haq dan kebaikan pada mana-mana aje makhluq...

Mungkin hanya inilah mampu bagi makna dalam hidup aku ini.

Untuk bahagiakan mak pak aku dengan membesarkan keluarga ini, aku sungguh-sungguh blom mampu.
Rasanye memang mak pak aku akan memejamkan mata sebelum nampak kelibat cucu.
Dan kemungkinan besar aku sendiri akan mati sendirian dalam rumah besar ni.

Aku cuma berharap dipermudahkan segala urusan, agar aku ini memudahkan dan jangan menyusahkan sesiapa.
Melainkan makhluq itu rela hati disusahkan dan bersusah-payah untuk aku, kerana Allah...

Tiada yang bisa merubah nasib seseorang itu melainkan orang itu sendiri.
Usaha aku mungkin tak kelihatan, tapi sesungguhnye, apa yang ada sekarang ni, takat tu la yang aku mampu.

Aku pasrah.
Hanya Allah yang tahu hikmahnye...

4 comments:

M.A said...

I do that sometimes even though I know it's not right to neglect or less prioritize our family. But fret not, just do what you feel right, at the right time so they won't feel left behind. *perasannaknasihatorgbesar*

Ri said...

your advice is very much appreciated :)
thanks azfar!

Snuze said...

This comment is very long and verge on TL; DR. If you hate it and want to delete it, it is ok.

Many times we have ihsan for other people, but very little for our family. It happens! The only thing is to remind yourself that although ihsan to others is ibadah, but there are degrees of priority. As long as you recall that and try to rectify, that is all right.

Me, I am guilty of the self-same problem! Just ask my Mum. :p The only thing I can do is remind myself and ask God that I keep trying my best.

As for getting friends you can cry with, it's about chemistry as well. What do you look for in a friend? Where do you find them? What do you expect of your friend? What do you want them to expect from you?

Unfortunately, people tend to disappoint (unlike God, cos He's you know, God) us because they are weak and so are we. So enjoy those with you, cherish the good times, and when it is over, walk away and find other people to make new happy memories.

Nothing is forever, not friends, not good times. Just enjoy it while it last, remember only the good stuff and discard the bad so that it doesn't poison your soul.

I gave up the concept of BFF way back in high school. I believe that you must have a variety of friends, everyone to fulfill your different needs. One friend for movies, one friend for music, one for books etc etc. A true friend, a good one, may not share all your interest but is willing to be a bulwark in the storm when necessary. That one is never easy to find, though.

*hugs*

If you follow the Laws of Attraction, it says to manifest the elements that you want to attract so that it will come to you. (It is not like magnets where only opposites attract). So radiate your sincerity and worthiness and those are the people who will come to you!

I do believe there is some truth in this. When I reflect upon the kind of friends that I have, I find that I got the good ones, the kind of friendships that last, when I tell myself: I will stop being jealous of others, I will try to be kinder, I will stop caring what other people think of me, I will have fun with myself and I will value people for what they are and not what they can bring to me.

There is no point to have so many friends when you still feel lonely in a crowd. :p

*hugs again*

Ri said...

thanks very much suze. lots of truth to what you've posted.

however, i do still believe it is possible to have lasting friendships. after all, this 'dunia' is only the 3rd way station on our journey to Allah...

the trick is to build something that will survive the trip :P