Sunday, October 10, 2004

Down, down the river of life...

I’m sure every one of you has had their share of ups and downs. It is the very rhythm of our lives.

"Kabi kushi kabi gham,"

I’ve noticed that I experience a rather lengthy period of feeling down from time to time, ranging from a year to at least 4 months and most commonly at the end of a year. This is one of those times. The cycle is indeterminate with the shortest being a year apart. Most of my acquaintances nowadays won’t be able to tell the difference or even care. Those who can tell, now have their own lives and worries to think about.

The first of my major down periods began when I was in Form 1. Part of what I was experiencing was the feeling of being so worthless, uncared for and unloved. I stayed up late into the night. Some of my dorm mates thought I was crazy. It lasted the whole year but I eventually managed to shake it off.

The next happened after SRP (yes, it was still called SRP back then, and yes, I am that old!). The one after that is during SPM itself. That was quite a bad one. Not only had my hostel mates thought that I was crazy, I thought that I was crazy too and had even considered that suicide might, mind you, just might be the best solution for it. Then the following one happened at the end of my two years matriculation. You see the pattern? It was happening a year apart back then and each was horrible in its own unique way.

But the worst happened at the end of the second year of doing my degree. I could hardly think back then. All I did and all the decisions I made had the wrong effect and consequences. Everything that I touched turned to ‘shit’. I lost four of my best friends that year. I even managed to get everyone in my social group seriously angry with me. They even made the decision to oust me out of the group because I had turned into a solo player. Come to think of it, it’s kind of like Survivor in a way. My name got written down one time too many and Jeff Probst finally got to extinguish my torch.

I got better after that. The major down periods thankfully came further apart. My last one before this current one was during my industrial training year. That happened after a two year rest period and so does this current one.

Hopefully, farther on in life, I’ll be able to hack down these major down periods into smaller more manageable pieces. But until then, I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hope that I won’t be doing anything too crazy or unmentionable in the near future. This is Ri, signing off for now. Have a great week!


Anonymous said...

Aku teringat zaman kita SPM dan aku sednag memandang hujan lebat yg turun petang itu,,, ehehhehe di padang bola sebelah court bola keranjang... aku ingat macam nak main hujan.. tapi rupanya ada org lebih advanced dan dah berlari-lari bermain hujan lebat di celah-celah petir berdentum petang khamis itu.. aku terkasima seketika.. pastu join ko sekali ahahhahahaha


Irzan said...

Rie.. friends come and go. I can't help but wonder how you feel when suddenly you realise that your good friends are ditching you.

Define good friends. Oh I won't even delve deeper. They should BE with you in your ups and down.

To look at another side of it it seems as if you're USING them for your own self, but look at the bright side! You have someone to pass on your bad aura to!

As for me, yes I have lots and lots of friends, trust me due to my energetic and cheerful aura, thanks to ALlah for bestowing me with such influencing gifts.

And I myself do define close friend differently from my leisure friends. My close friends are the one that I would die for; those that I would do anything to save their ass. As for my other friend, the Malay words say it better: pegi mampus la. Like one of the proverbs phrase it "Kawan ketawa ramai, kawan menangis jarang sekali".

I had somehow adapted to that proverbs and that's why I have to do that. To prevent them from absorbing ONLY my happy aura and shy away when I have sad aura to share.

Points to ponder..