Sekadar di pinggiran

Tiada guna kau berpatah arah
Jika niatmu menyambung kasih
Apalah ertinya ditemani tangisan atau rintihan

Untuk apa kau kembali lagi?
Sekadar hanya untuk menyakiti
Cukuplah sudah di sini saja
Biar aku pendam duka
Hati sedih, hati pedih
Mengenangkan keindahan bersamamu
Tidak ku sampai ke puncak sana
Apalah daya bertahan cuma
Di pinggiran yang memilukan

Jauh sekali di sudut hati
Menyimpan dendam yang amat mendalam
Akan ku sahut namamu, oh sayang
Sewaktu ku kesunyian

Lenyapkanlah kisah pilu…

Reversal...

Once again, I am staring at people who interest me.

I feel like a damned stalker. I know how uncomfortable it can be for the object of my attention but I just can’t help it.

Up to this moment, I never realized how completely I’ve relied on him to fill that empty space in my heart. And I’ve also realized how completely I had let go of him that fateful day in order to keep his friendship.

The realization hit me really hard, like a punch in the gut, as I see the wariness and suspicion in the eyes of each person I set my gaze upon.

I can’t keep on living like this but I hardly have a choice in the matter. And looking is all I can do. Everyday I pray for the strength to go on…

Fragile?

Why do people treat me as if I’m so fragile?

I may be more sensitive than your average guy but is it really that bad?! What is it about me that make the people around me feel that they need to handle me with kids’ glove?

Though it’s gratifying to know that people care enough about me to censor what they say or do when with me, but being aware that I am hampering them from truly being themselves can really put me down.

It makes me think twice when I want to hang out with them. Would they truly enjoy being with me or are they putting up with me for my sake? I truly have no idea. Though never mentioned, I do notice that I am not the company of choice for most events or outings.

I really enjoy and love hanging out with them but I often feel very self conscious and guilty whenever I do so lest I ruin their day in some manner. What the heck am I supposed to decide?

Why do people treat me as if I’m so fragile?

Shh... It's Chinese New Year!!!

I actually got to sleep last night.

I wondered if I was just so damned tired but I guess the law enforcement team has made good on their promise to put a choke on firecracker sales. And is it me again or does the Chinese New Year celebration this year seem a bit muted?

But seriously, this is not a complaint. As much as I love my neighbours, having to put up with a firecrackers extravaganza while you’re trying to get some shut eye can truly test one’s patience although one does get used to it after 30 odd years.

Having said all that though, this Chinese New Year does feel really weird due to the quieter atmosphere.

Please give me the chance...

It is times like these that I treasure very much, spending time with my Lil Bro.

They are often bittersweet moments, but I choose to take the good with the bad and be very thankful to Allah for it.

From his chats, I get glimpses into his thoughts, feelings and life. From there I realize how much of his life I am missing. I want to know so much more, even play a bigger part in his life but I refrained from even prying. The last time I gave in to that impulse, it brought disastrous results.

Like any other guy, he would open up when he is ready. There are also things that he will try to sort out on his own and things he keep to himself.

I’d just have to wait and be there whenever he needs me though I know that is impossible to achieve. There will be times when I’ll miss the chance and I grieve for those lost opportunities but there’s no help for it...


…but to remind myself to be grateful for those chances I do get.

Sendiri lagi...

Entah mengapa, kala hendak pulang daripada kelas piano aku tiba-tiba berasa pilu dan sepi yang amat sangat.

Usai solat Maghrib, aku pantas menuju ke tempat letak motosikal. Palm telah ku setkan untuk memainkan beberapa lagu pilihan lantas aku merempit tanpa tujuan (mimpi ler aku nak merempit! bawak pun takat 80 jer… : P).



Namun di luar sedar, aku telah tiba di kawasan kediaman Budak Baik. Aku kini terlalu segan untuk memohon masanya lebih daripada apa yang dia telah berikan padaku. Aku dah terlalu terhutang budi dengannya dan telah membebankannya melampaui yang patut, jadi aku tidak menghubunginya.

Aku mengambil keputusan untuk ke Masjid Wilayah sahaja akan tetapi kudapati aku tidak dapat mengingat jalan untuk ke sana. Maka aku pun berlegar-legar di jalan raya sehingga waktu Isya. Aku perlu pulang.

Aku halakan kenderaanku menuju ke rumah dengan hati yang begitu berat…

Happy birthday, kawan...

Hari ini aku bersama-sama kawan-kawan meraikan hari lahir salah seorang daripada kami.

Walaupun simple, tapi jenuh gak nak mengaturnya sebab nak buat surprise.

Satu detik yang mencemaskan ialah apabila kawan yang hendak dirai tiba-tiba hendak memasuki bilik yang sedang disiapkan untuk majlis tersebut. Aku ler yang jadi mangsa untuk alih perhatian mamat tu. Siap kena maki sebab aku mengarut menda ntah apa-apa.

Tapi diversion berjaya beb! Walaupun pintu bilik tu dah terkuak skit, mujur tak sempat nampak apa-apa yang tak patut. Dan kawan tu memang benar-benar terkejut dan terharu.

Moga beliau ditetapkan iman, dipanjangkan umur dan dimurahkan rezki…amiin.

Kenangan Indah 1

Huhu… aku yang sekarang main bola tau.

Alah, sekadar suka-suka tendang bola jer, bukan aku reti pun. Tapi member bola aku sume terer-terer oo… nampak le segala macam skill yang dah lama terpendam, yang menunjukkan diorang pernah ligat beraksi sebagai bintang bola sepak suatu masa dahulu.

Seronok tengok diorang main bola. Nampak happy walaupun keletihan. Aku tumpang gembira jer, sekadar cukupkan korum. Mujur diorang sume sporting. Aku fumble camne pun diorang relek jer :).

Sebelum ni kitorang sibuk main badminton. Tapi kitorang alih kepada bola lak sebab boleh hadkan masa. Maghrib dah kena berenti. Kalau badminton, lepas Maghrib bole sambung lagi sebab main kat indoor court yang terang benderang. Lepas tu kitorang gak yang kepenatan dan sakit-sakit badan esoknya padahal nak kena gi keja.

Hmm… apa tujuan aku tulis menda ni? Sebenarnya sebagai tanda ingatan, kerana keadaan takkan selalu camni. Jadi baik aku abadikan dalam catatan maya aku ini sebagai salah satu kenangan terindah…

Since I've been gone...

Hey bloggie! What’s up? I know, I know, I’ve been gone too long. Jap je dah 3 bulan ek?

Banyak tul yang dah berlaku, bloggie, I wouldn’t know where to start even if I wanted to write it all down, which I don’t.

Something major happened, major to me at least. I don’t think that all the others involved even realized anything had happened. Camne nak jelaskan ye… it’s like having a piece of the puzzle that you’ve been looking for all this time fall right into place. Suddenly you see the big picture and how much you don’t matter in the scheme of things.

Dan dengan semudah itu, jiwa yang penuh ini terus kosong, kembali sepi. Dan kini aku kembali mencari dengan penuh harapan yang kemungkinan besar tidak akan dipenuhi. But still I go on hoping, coz hope is all I got.

Ntah le bloggie… setelah tambah tolak campur bahagi, aku dapati yang I really love the way things are now, but change will come and I need to be ready. However, things like this, we’ll never ever be ready for it. Hopefully, the more things change, the more it’ll stay the same.

In fact I love all these people around me more than life itself. I only pray for the time to provide for them in all aspects before I go.

That’s it for now. Now that I’m gone, I’ll be seeing you soon and more often bloggie dear. Ja ne…