Where were you... really?

Suzainur said...

"Say, did you ever get to watch the LOTR trilogy marathon? That was challenging, my friend! Just taking time out for toi toi break, prayers and scarfing down food with eyes glued on the pretty elfy. By the time it's over, your eyes have glazed over and your mind is still somewhere over Mordor."

Hmm... are your eyes glazed because your mind's in Mordor or is it glazed because you mind's in a bedroom with the 'pretty elfy'?

Muahahaha!

Thanks for your comments and support Sue! Didn't realized that you actually read all this crap. ;)

Tiada Tangis Lagi...

Sudah terlalu lama ingin kunukilkan lirik lagu ini ke dalam blog picisanku. Sekarang kurasakan terlalu amat cocok situasi dengan puisi yang dilagukan itu. Maka terimalah lagu dendangan saudari Nurzila Aminudin ini. Andainya ada kesilapan dari segi senikata, kumohon diperbetulkan oleh para pembaca sekelian. Mungkin suatu hari nanti aku akan berpeluang mendendangkannya secara live untuk kalian…

Engkau jadi kenangan dalam hati
Terlalu lama engkau pergi

Angin masih begitu
Alur nan biru
Memayungi taman kalbu

Kiambang menjadi lambang
Kau bagai bayang-bayang
Kini kuterbuang

Di danau tenang selalu
Seolah tidak tahu gelora di hatiku
Selama hayat ini kusimpan rahsia hati

Kukenang masa nan lalu
Terasa pilu
Ke mana harus ku mengadu

Kiambang menjadi lambang
Kau bagai bayang-bayang
Kini kuterbuang

Di danau tenang selalu
Seolah tidak tahu gelora di hatiku
Selama hayat ini kusimpan rahsia hati
Di sini kuberdiri
Tiada tangis lagi

Some ‘promises’ should never have been kept…

I went to watch The Promise last night and it would have been a truly great movie if only it wasn’t so ridiculously presented!

If one manages to sift through all that chaff, the story is actually quite good and the characterization is deep and full of meanings. All the characters: the proud General Quang Ming, Kun Lun who’s on a journey of self discovery, a melancholic and torn Qing Cheng, the enigmatic though empathic General Wu Han and Que Lang the traitorous coward, were well defined. Please give a hand to the cast and Director, Chen Kai Ge, for managing it so well.

For instance, I explain to you this one scene between Que Lang and Kun Lun. Que Lang was telling Kun Lun that to he needed to learn how to run faster than Time itself. So Kun Lun ran to show Que Lang that he could run really fast. But Que Lang merely said that what Kun Lun was doing was fleeing and that to properly run, one must know what one’s heart’s desire is. Only then can he say that he is running. That means that to run, one must be heading towards some goal for if not one will simply be fleeing without purpose. Truly poetic and profound.

However, the rest left much to be desired. Some fight scenes, which were meant to be fantastically awe inspiring, brought the audience out in laughter. It’s disconcerting to watch someone fight so seriously for their lives while the whole theater was in a fit of mirth. For example, the bull chase scene and the part where Kun Lun fought to defend General Quang Ming from Que Lang (in a banana plantation of all places!).

And what’s the deal with the Goddess Man Shen??? That, my dear, is a joke and not a hairdo! The makeup together with the flowing dress and scarf would’ve been enough to present the scene as otherworldly.

By amplifying the scenes in such seemingly minute ways, the Director had managed to turn something fantastic into something ridiculous. Mr. Chen should have learnt that lesson by observing Hero, which bordered on the ridiculous but was somehow saved by the artistic presentation and the gravity of it's scenes.

Overall, I found that the movie was not really worth my RM9.

Dia...

Mata ku mengekori Wira berplet WJH7743 itu sehingga ia hilang ditelan selekoh. Adakah Dia akan hilang dari hidupku semudah itu juga?

Begitu ceria Dia melayanku senja tadi, beserta senyuman dan lawak jenakanya. Berbeza sungguh dengan sikap acuh tak acuhnya semasa aku datang beraya ke rumahnya pertengahan November lepas sehinggakan sikapnya itu ditegur oleh bapanya.

Tetapi itulah Dia: ada kala hangat dan ada kalanya sedingin salju. Walaubagaimanapun keadaannya, aku sudi menerima Dia seadanya kerana dia adalah Dia.

Aku akui, Dia memang teristimewa bagiku: sukina-hito, taisatsuna-hito, kalau mengikut istilah Jepun. Sayangku terhadapnya tidak marak menyala sebagaimana dengan cinta pertamaku mahupun cinta terakhirku. Namun ia kekal membara hingga kini, menghangatkan suasana.

Sejak kami bersama-sama mula mengharungi tahun SPM, telah kusedari bahawa Dialah insan yang bakal aku cintai sehingga akhir nanti walaupun ketika itu bukan sedikit bilangannya yang mencuri perhatianku.

Walau jelas kuketahui perasaanku kepadanya, perasaannya terhadapku begitu kabur. Seperti kaum sejenisnya yang lain, Dia begitu pandai memendam rasa. Namun apabila kuperhatikan interaksinya bersama keluarga, aku tahu Dia mampu mempamerkan kemesraan walaupun Dia begitu reserved apabila bersamaku. Kadangkala timbul juga kemesraan itu dalam layanannya terhadapku dan selalunya pada masa yang amat tidak kusangka. Saat-saat begitulah yang amat berharga bagi diriku.

Tapi kenapa kini baru ingin kunukilkan semua ini?

Kerana Dia kini telah ditunangkan dengan insan pilihan ibubapanya. Kerana Dia akan memulakan kehidupan rumahtangganya pada pertengahan tahun 2006 yang akan datang ini.

Telah hampir muktamad kini yang Dia tidak akan menjadi milikku walaupun telah kuketahui hakikat ini dari awal perhubungan kami. Giliranku untuk menyembunyikan rasa telah tiba.

Zahir kau lihat bukan segala-gala
Bibir tersenyum menutup jiwa yang duka

Namun begitu, aku tetap gembira untuk dirinya. Semoga bertambah ceria hidupnya dan terhindar dari kesunyian yang abadi sebagaimana yang kualami. Aku akan sentiasa mendoakan Dia bahagia dunia akhirat.

Cycle of the Emotion

When I have to force myself to do my favourite things, I know that ‘that time’ has come again.

It is the time when I need to raise my interest simply to read an interesting story book or muster the energy just to watch my favourite anime. It is the time when I have all these plans in mind but just can’t seem to get around to executing them.

But it is also surprisingly the time when I listen to the most number of songs, thinking of the connection each melody has to a particular event in my life. Just listening and singing along, feeling way down.

If possible, I’d love to just take a really long leave and sleep these coming days away. But I know that that is not possible because I don’t have 3 months plus worth of leave. So I trudge on with my life hoping for the day when this mood shall lift and pass.

I really hope it would be soon. I’m not sure how much longer I can endure these cycles of really deep depressions that have been plaguing me all my life. I fervently pray that I will be prevented from doing anything humongously stupid that may further affect my battered soul.

Senja Nan Merah

Haruskah kita mencari pada gunung dan lurah
Liku-liku curam insani
Haruskah kita mencari puncak mengilau cahaya
Dalam hidup seribu warna
Di bawah terdiri ungkapan
Pada sebuah wajah yang lara kesepian
Haruskah kita mencari suatu senja dalam kepedihan

Haruskah kita mencari dalam senja begini
Kembali kita bertemu
Haruskah kita mencari dalam simpati wangi
Kembali kita bersama
Membilang kenangan yang abadi
Bagai menunggu mentari senja
Menghilang perlahan-lahan disebalik awan yang merah

Henka III

"What??? Pauline resigned?!"

I looked at the colleague who brought me the news with disbelief. But it was true. And with that, a great upheaval began to shake the core of my workplace.

With Pauline leaving so suddenly, the Big Boss, Deputies and Section Heads had urgently met and decided to put the backup plan into immediate effect. Two other colleagues and I were moved into our respective places beginning 5 December 2005 without as much as a ‘by your leave’.

While at home, the situation was getting worse.

Continued…

Henka II

It all began with the most innocent of proposals. One fine evening, the Deputy Boss in charge of the store approached me and asked if I’d like to learn about all the tricks of her trade.

I did not commit myself by saying yes outright because I was currently engrossed in a project to smooth out customer supply with my current unit. So she left it at that. It took me slightly more than two weeks to decide that I was interested and that it would be a truly wonderful learning opportunity for me.

For further confirmation, I turned to Big Boss for advice. Surprisingly, he was aware of the situation. In fact, it was he who had asked his two Deputies to choose a backup since all three Bosses has about 5 to 6 working years left at most.

He told me I should take it as an honour to be chosen and he was glad that it was me. I was shocked out of my mind. It was then that I realized the gravity of the Deputy Boss’ proposal. The responsibility was huge! I wanted to reject the offer but having indicated my interest to Big Boss, I was obliged to accept. In addition to that, I really did want to learn.

That afternoon, I sent an email to indicate my agreement to learn all that the Deputy Boss could teach me. And thus my education began...

Continued…

Henka

My world is at the brink of change. Everything is extremely fluid, nothing is certain and anything could happen.

I find myself still in denial over the situation because my very nature abhors even the slightest change in my immediate environment unless I have been well prepared for it. Even prepared, I will still hate it.

But the only constant thing in this world is change. Therefore, change I must. I just hope I’m able to roll with the punches really well or I risk being knocked out in the very first round.

Continued…

Wayang Raya 2

Catatan ini untuk review movies yang dah aku tonton sepanjang hari ni.

I’ve traveled quite far today: starting from the supernatural world to the land of the dead, then to the apartment of the not quite dead and end up, finally, at a beauty saloon. Boleh teka apa cerita yang aku dah tengok? Okay, let’s see if you’ve guessed right.

Aku masuk panggung pukul 11.00 pagi, siap buat zone bagai untuk persediaan. Almaklumlah, kisah benar and I can truly testify to that though no solid proof. ‘The Exorcism of Emily Rose’ is an exciting blend of suspense, horror and wit. Ia tidak bergantung kepada elemen takut dan saspen semata-mata. We’ll also be mentally stimulated by the courtroom sparring. Pada pendapat aku, in the end, setan gak yang menang sebab buat orang dewakan si Emily Rose dan menguatkan lagi keyakinan orang kepada tuhan mereka. What do you think?

Next show pukul 2.10 petang: ‘The Corpse Bride’. Can’t really comment much on this one sebab aku masih nervous lepas tengok cerita Emily Rose tadi so tak dapat nak appreciate dan concentrate pada keajaiban alam barzakh yang digambarkan oleh Tim Burton (walaupun kelakar dan very interesting).

Lagipun, aku asyik jaga time sebab movie ni patut habis pukul 3.30 petang tapi dah overshoot 5 minit (sebab iklan berlambak le… apa lagi?). Patutnya aku dah pindah ke Cinema 7 untuk tengok ‘Just Like Heaven’! Nasib baik sempat dan tak miss apa-apa crucial points. Seronok gak citer romantic comedy ni. A very enjoyable no brainer.

Cerita ‘Salon’ ditayang pada pukul 7.40 malam. I enjoyed it immensely. It’s an atypical Malaysian movie that tells about life as it is. It shows you how complicated life really is: no black and white here, just different shades of gray. But it also gives you hope that things will turn out better if you work at it. If you want to be happy, then work for it. Just don’t expect smooth sailing all the way, deal with the stumbling blocks life has put in your way one at a time, work towards your goal and you’ll be fine.

Learned quite a lot today from these movies. Actually, more of a reminder but we as humans forget too easily and it’s good to give ourselves a kick in the a** once in a while so that we’ll remember.

Wayang Raya 1

Dah lama aku tak buat keja gila. So sempena penayangan bertalu-talu pelbagai cerita (yang bagi aku) best di pawagam sempena hujung tahun 2005 ni, aku telah berjaya memecahkan rekod sendiri dalam kategori menonton wayang! *tepuk*tepuk*tepuk*

Andainya esok hari cuti, sah-sah aku dah beli tiket wayang Chicken Little pukul 11.00 malam tadi untuk cukupkan lima. Tapi malangnya, esok aku kerja :( jadi terpaksalah stop takat empat tayangan aje.

Tuan-tuan dan Puan-puan, nak schedulekan menonton sampai empat tayangan (termasuk masa yang cukup untuk makan dan solat) adalah sesuatu yang amat sukar dan membanggakan aku (kalaulah aku put in effort yang sama untuk kehidupan harian aku… *sigh* tapi itu cerita lain!). Kebetulan waktu tayangan dan panjang satu cerita dengan yang lain begitu ngam-ngam kali ini.

Tak tau le bila lagi aku akan dapat peluang sebegini (dan kemungkinan memecahkan rekod aku sekali lagi). Cukup rasa puas dan fulfilled! Aku berjaya at something!!!

Merajuk...

Sebenarnya, Cik Easy ada men’tag’ aku sebulan lepas untuk menyambung blog bertema ‘merajuk’ yang dimeriahkan oleh Bamheidh, Cik Daun dan beliau sendiri.

Malangnya kemalasan dan kesibukan menyerang lagi. Walaubagaimanapun, sebagai meraikan seruan Cik Easy itu, aku dengan ini mengisytiharkan bahawa:

“Aku tak moh buat blog tu! Aku merajuk kat Cik Easy. Dia janji nak bagi aku pinjam manual Microsoft Access dia dan dapatkan Examo Plus Booster masa aku datang raya rumah dia tapi hampeh! Uhuk! Uhuk!

Nota: Temanya merajuk juga kan? Muahahahahaha!!!

Tag! You're it!!!

Aduu… Cik Easy tag aku?! Apa kemenda ler mainan blog korang ni. Whatever. Here goes …!

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1 – turn my workplace into the dai ichiban service provider of its kind anywhere, anytime
2 – have an alternate endless, limitless source of income that will allow me to live for life’s sake and work for work’s sake (liLlahi ta’Aala of course)
3 – become a skillfull Master auratsukai
4 – have a trustworthy, dependable and happy circle of family and friends around me
5 – author several books and graphic novels
6 – have a house within a beautifully landscaped garden
7 – be at peace with myself

Seven things I could do:
1 – care more for Ma and Pa
2 – care more for my lil bro, Uddin
3 – be a better person with each passing day (amiin!)
4 – save more for rainy days
5 – read more books
6 – increase and diversify my knowledge
7 – increase an diversify my skills

Seven celebrity crushes:
Erm… I better keep this to myself for personal reasons.

Seven often repeated words:
I repeat too many words too oftenly. There are no favourites.

Seven physical traits I look for in the opposite sex :
Uh… ermm… Next!!!

Seven (yeah, right!) tags go to:
I admit that I only have a small number of friends (much less blogger buddies) so here they are
1 – urbanjavanese
2 – mirul
That’s about it! Sad huh?

Khutbah Jumaat

Khutbah hari ini membawa khabar tentang Masjidil Aqsa. Kebanyakan berita itu aku tahu tetapi haqiqatnya aku masih belum sedar. Maka kali ini ingin aku menyumbangkan secebis seruan demi perjuangan itu.

Wahai saudaraku mukminiin dan mukminaat sekelian, Masjidil Aqsa diancam keruntuhan.

Kemungkaran sebaik-baiknya ditegah dengan segala kudrat yang ada. Atau penentangan dilaungkan lantang kepada seisi dunia agar bangkit bersama menegahnya. Tapi aku sedar takat mana keberanian yang dijana oleh imanku ini. Sekadar menggoncang penumbuk dari dalam ruang hatiku yang kerdil ini.

Namun kita harus ingat, hati inilah yang mampu memanjatkan doa dan doa itulah senjata seorang mu’min. Oleh itu, saudara saudari sekelian, marilah kita bersama mengangkat senjata, niatkanlah-

Untuk keselamatan Masjidil Aqsa, agar dilindungi daripada penzaliman sekelian makhluq

Untuk kejayaan para mujaahid yang berjuang demi mempertahankan Islam di seluruh alam

Amiin ya Rabbal-‘aalamiin…

Time after time...

Time is contradictory in nature.

Jam dan minit berlalu dengan amat lembap, terutamanya jam dan minit bekerja. Tetapi hari pula begitu pantas berlalu, persis sebutan Bahasa Inggeris yang sama bunyi dengannya- Hurry! Hurry! Kadangkala terdetik di hatiku ketika sedang menonton salah satu siri TV mingguan kegemaranku- Eh? Bukankah baru semalam aku menonton siri ini..?

Bulan turut bergerak laju. Sedang berborak dengan Cik Easy dalam perjalanan dari sesi Diablog di Rumah Pena ke Klang, kami tersentak memikirkan- Lusa dah masuk Ramadhan! Rasanya seperti kami belum bersedia untuk menghadapi bulan tarbiyah tersebut.

Sebaliknya pula, tahun berjalan dengan penuh barakah. Aku baru-baru ini bertanyakan Abang Imam tentang umur salah seorang anaknya (yang merupakan ‘anak saudara’ kesayangan aku),

“Kang, Zaid ki piro umure?”
“Dah dekat tiga tahun setengah,”

Hatiku terdetik lagi- Eh? Bukankah kali terakhir aku bertanya soalan yang serupa, Zaid berumur tiga tahun juga?

Begitu juga apabila aku berborak dengan Cik Easy tentang umur anaknya- Eh? Baru dua tahun setengah? Bukankah sudah lama si Nabil yang comel itu meniti usia? Masakan masih berumur dua tahun?

Namun, mengenangkan usiaku yang sudah di akhir tahun ke dua puluh lapan ini, kesimpulan yang dapat kubuat tetap menyatakan bahawa masa itu lebih pantas daripada shinkansen. Baru sahaja duduk untuk menikmati perjalanan, sedar-sedar sahaja aku sudah berada di sini, di saat dan tika ini, tanpa berpeluang menoleh ke belakang walau sekali pun…

Picisan atau bukan picisan?

Sesi Diablog yang terakhir untuk tahun 2005 bertempat di Rumah Pena membincangkan tentang 'blog picisan'. Ahli panel terdiri daripada Encik Notakaki, Tok Rimau dan juga Cik Easy yang telah lama MIA daripada sebarang gathering Geng Jurnal.

Aku bukanlah ahli dalam bidang bahasa mahupun dalam bidang weblog yang baru kuceburi ini, namun kurasakan hujah-hujah ahli panel, walaupun mengena tetapi did not hit the nail exactly on its head.

Aku rasa lontaran pendapat Encik Basri (Juara Juring) ketika sesi diskusi penutup adalah lebih tepat. Kata-kata beliau yang paling aku ingati bermaksud lebih kurang begini,

"Aku mengakui bahawa blog aku blog picisan- So what?!!"

Siapakah yang menentukan picisan atau tidak? Notakaki ada menyatakan bahawa blog yang mengaruh kepada kemungkaran boleh dikategorikan sebagai blog picisan. Tidak semestinya! To those people, the blog is his/her way of making his/her stand. Memang salah, tetapi salah bukan bererti topik yang diketengahkan itu picisan (walaupun memang ada yang picis sepicis-picisnya!).

Aku separa bersetuju dengan pendapat Cik Easy bahawa di peringkat kebangkitan penulisan di Malaysia sekarang ini, sekadar berusaha untuk menulis mengenai apa jua topik tidak boleh dianggap picisan. But then, I may be biased sebab dengan siapa lagi aku menumpang untuk menghadiri Diablog ini kalau bukan dengan Cik Easy? Heheheh…

Apa-apa pun, ini hanyalah pendapat aku. Kalian bagaimana pula?

Aku berjaya!

Nampaknya usaha aku untuk mengelakkan tidur selepas Subuh (masuk minggu ketiga) dah menampakkan hasil! Alhamdulillah!

Gaji aku yang selama ni terasa ala-ala cukup makan (of course part of it pun sebab kekadang aku gatal makan kat tempat yang class gak reganya) bulan ni lebih dari cukup. Dah tu siap ada member tepon bagitau nak bayar balik hutang. Memang terasa luas skit le pintu rezeki dalam apa hal pun berbanding sebelum ni.

Tang tido lepas Asar tu lak aku bole bagi komitmen 75% je. Kalau dah time wirid lepas solat Asar tu sah-sah aku tersengguk (kekadang tengah solat pun bole tersengguk!), aku pun bantai le short nap dalam 30-40 minit camtu. Kalau bole tahan aku sengkang mata. Tengok keadaan gak le. Tapi nak dibandingkan dengan dulu aku tido tiap-tiap petang lepas balik keja, kira okay le ni.

Kesan positif dia lak tak dapat nak dipastikan. Almaklumlah aku ni memang dah jenis gila-gila skit dari time aku muda-muda dulu kan (aiyoo, tua benor ke kita ni Easy? Ahaks!), so tak dapat nak bezakan sangat.

Entah le… aku tau aku rasa makin sihat! That’s the whole point anyway!

Ghaib tapi ada...

Aku jaki dengan kehidupan karakter-karakter dalam manga XXholic karya C.L.A.M.P. Mereka sedar akan kewujudan makhluk-makhluk ghaib di sekeliling mereka malah ia menjadi sebahagian daripada hidup mereka. Dengan itu, mereka sentiasa mengambil apa-apa langkah yang patut untuk mengelakkan daripada diganggu dan dikuasai makhluk-makhluk ini (bila ada yang berniat jahat camtu ler…).

Most people dalam masyarakat kita sekarang ni tak sedar atau tak hiraukan influence jin dan syaitan yang berada di keliling kita (and make no mistakes about it, their influence is HUGE!). Therefore, kebanyakan kita tak mengambil apa-apa langkah to counter that influence. Contohnya menjaga solat dan meningkatkan amal ibadat. Gaya kehidupan pula terlampau non-Muslim in character, sometimes even sampai hilang budaya Timur tu.

Tapi bagi segolongan masyarakat, bila part-part nak mak esahkan orang ni cepat aje kan? Lawan tak mau, lagi digunakan pulak jin dan syaitan tu adanya! Dengkinya manusia ni…

Aku tertewas!!!

Ya, tuan-tuan dan puan-puan (so far belum ada lagi mana-mana orang kenamaan yang perlu aku Dato’ Datinkan sebelum korang), aku telah tewas di permulaan! Begini ceritanya…

Awal minggu ni, aku dah berazam untuk mengubah sikit jadual kehidupan aku. Rasanya kali ni aku sudah cukup kuat untuk melaksanakannya. Pernah dengar kata-kata berikut?

Tidur selepas Subuh mewarisi kepapaan.
Tidur selepas Asar mewarisi kegilaan.

Oleh itu, aku cadang untuk ubah sikit (Erk? Kira sikit ke?) tabiat aku. Kalau dulu aku biasa tido lambat, bangun Subuh tika azan berkumandang dan sambung tidur sebelum sampai waktu pergi keja. Petang pun aku akan tidur selepas selesai Asar bila balik dari kerja (penat keja siolll…).

Sekarang ni pula aku usaha untuk tido malam selewat-lewatnya kul 1.00, bangun Subuh lewat sikit (dalam kul 6.30 pagi supaya cukup tido, harapnya le… aku ni jenis perlu masa tido panjang skit kalau tak nak jadi zombie) dan terus bersiap untuk pergi kerja. Petang aku buat senaman ringan dengan harapan dapat berjaga lepas Asar. Sebagaimana Ustaz berpesan, sesuatu perkara tu kena buat at least 40 hari supaya boleh menjadi kebiasaan dan sebati dengan diri.

Malangnya Khamis petang yang baru lepas, aku rasa letih sangat bila sampai rumah so aku cadang untuk baring kejap melepaskan penat sebelum solat. Nah! Aku solat Asar kul 7.00 petang tu sebab tertido! Dan petang semalam lak aku terlajak tido dari lepas Zohor, dalam kul 3.00 camtu, sampai 6.50! Adoo!

Apa-apa pun, disiplin tido awal dan tak sambung tido lepas Subuh berjalan lancar sepanjang 6 hari. Mebbe aku akan concentrate on that dulu and buat yang sebaik mungkin part tido lepas Asar tu. Anyway, 4 out of 6 masih okay kan? Ahaks!

Mencari Mimpi

Lingkungan warna-warna indah
Biar seketika
Pelangi di langit yang muram
Mengasyikkan
Sejenak membiarkan diri melayani hati
Mencari mimpi-mimpi indah… sia-sia
Seumpama pengembara terpedaya
Kerana mimpi hanya mimpi

Senilagu oleh Manan Ngah
Senikata lagu oleh Habsah Hassan
Dendangan Azlina Aziz (I just loooovvve her vocals!!!)

This is a beautiful song.

However, there is nothing wrong with having a dream. It can be your goal and it can give you the strength to achieve it. There is a danger though in being a dreamer because you might lose your sight on reality.

I almost did. That was back then and partly due to the other ones who were inside me. But that is another story…

Currently, believe it or not, I’m on my way to achieving one of my dreams, so dreams do come true. Therefore, dear readers, if you have a dream that you feel is really worth fighting for, stick to it and never give up. Hear?

Tribute to my Boss

It took me a year to get used to my Boss’ type of management. It took another half a year for me to understand why. Now after almost three years, I am ready to acknowledge his brilliance of thinking.

My Boss, ladies and gents, is a visionary. His staff finds it difficult to understand him because he talks of the future. This is because he doesn’t tell us what to do. It is not spelled out in bold, capital letters what we need to do. Instead he expects us to think and act for ourselves. I tell you what could be, you make it real- that’s the way he leads!

However he is always misunderstood. Most people look upon his management style as lacking leadership. God knows I used to think so too! But when you think about it, what he’s doing is giving us a chance to think and also a chance to act based on our own initiatives and creativity. In essence, we will totally take credit for whatever we do successfully and be wholly responsible for our own mess.

After having understood this, I became even more motivated to do my job to the best of my abilities. I just wish that my colleagues would rise to the challenge but the problem is that they do not see the challenge or maybe it’s just that they prefer to comfortably stay where they are. I don’t know. I can’t speak on their behalf but it saddens me all the same.

Whatever people think, whatever happens- Boss, I still salute you!

Aura Horror

Maghrib tadi aku rasakan yang kemungkinan kekkai rumah aku bocor lagi. Scan aku mengiakan, ditambah pula oleh pengesahan daripada Cik Easy yang tengah on the way ke Setiu. Masa aku tarik nak clearkan rumah pun terasa kehadiran tetamu yang tidak diundang dengan jelas.Encik Usop seperti biasa menggalakkan aku untuk check sendiri jadi aku berdasarkan keyakinan aje ler.

Malangnya, imaginasi aku ni memang terlebih aktif agaknya. Ustaz menyatakan yang rumah aku sebenarnya clear. Time-time camni le yang aku terasa sangat kekurangan diri. Scan kadangkala tepat kadangkala menyimpang (at least sekarang dah lebih banyak tepat dari menyimpang :P). Tarik pun kadangkala keluar kadangkala sangkut.

Memang le hakikatnya seperti yang Ustaz nyatakan- “semua senjata dah ada”, tapi yang tensennya, cara nak guna tu le yang blom reti lagi! Lain le kalau ada manual khas atau buku-buku seangkatan tajuk ‘Aura for Dummies’ kan?

Apa-apa pun, perkara ni very subjective le. 100% bergantung kepada individu and there is no right way or wrong way about it. I just wish I had more clues to go on.

Bau apakah ini?

Pintu tandas lelaki di tempat kerja aku hampir setentang dengan pintu bilik rehat staf- dirintangi oleh koridor dan selisih dalam setengah kaki sahaja.

Walaupun agak pelik, hakikatnya seluruh pelusuk tandas lelaki tersebut berbau seperti makanan! Apa hidangan utama di bilik rehat pada hari itu, itulah juga bau tandas kami. Andai kata yang dihidangkan adalah laksa, laksa jugalah baunya dalam tandas itu.

Cuma dalam kes-kes tertentu sahaja bau yang ‘sepatutnya’ mengatasi aroma keenakan makanan yang ada dan hasilnya amatlah menjijikkan. Tapi sepatutnya begitukah? Adakah bau hancing, bau najis atau bau rokok itu yang sepatutnya dalam sesebuah tandas? Tidak juga!

Oleh itu, marilah kita menjaga kebersihan tandas awam kita bersama-sama walau di mana jua kita berada kerana peradaban dalam tandas itulah antara perkara yang boleh dijadikan cermin peribadi dan sikap kita sebagai seorang insan.

If wishes came true...

There were a lot of things that I used to do’a for. It is, after all, in the nature of humans to always crave for something they don’t have in the belief that it will make their lives better.

After a period of time, I gradually left out a lot of things from my do’a. I think I simply got tired of asking for things that never seem to come true, which is a very unMuslim-like attitude (tak redha langsung, teruk betul kalau difikirkan zaman muda-muda dulu kan?).

But it is also because, somewhere along the way, I’ve learned to accept the cards that life had dealt me. I’ve learned to put in more effort to get the things I wanted. Even when I fail to obtain them, I’ve learned to be satisfied with what I have.

I guess this attitude of berserah got me some pity from the Almighty because a number of my previous do’as are being answered one after another during this period of my life.

Apai and Imam were to me like the big brothers that I’ve never had. Separated by some circumstances or other, they’ve magically reentered my life and our relationship now is as if they have always been with me all this while. I’ve also met Ustaz who’s agreed to teach me knowledge that I’ve barely brushed against but want to be a part of ever since I was a kid. And that’s only a few among many examples.

My faith is strengthened but, at the same time, it is a frightening prospect. Who knows if there were any stupid wishes I’d made before that Allah now deems fit to grant just to teach me a lesson for being so petty?

Winds of Change...

My colleague, whom I shall call Miss Itchy-Backside, had managed to get the junior officers’ rotation in our department rolling once more at the last meeting.

It was a very interesting and revealing discussion, since it showed me how my colleagues truly feel about working at certain stations as well as their loathing to work with (or is it for?) one of the deputy bosses. All very civilly done of course but I’m sure that the lady got a slight hint or two on what all the juniors thought of her. Not that it would bring any change in her attitude, which is a sad waste.

As for me, I actually hated the thought of leaving my current station. It’s my usual adversity to change and I recognized it for what it is. Therefore, I gamely swallowed my protests and let the change take its course (that is as long as they didn’t put me with the Dragon Lady or at the supply centre from Hell, which they didn’t!).

Though I am terrified at the prospect of being second in charge of a different station, I feel that it is to my disadvantage to become too comfortable at any one station. I want to become more flexible. I want to be able to go with any flow. I want to embrace change and let go of my cowardly desire to remain comfortable in a single situation. Because the truth of the matter is that the only constant thing in this world is change! So I’d better get used to it whether like it or not.

Here’s to my unknown, unmeasurable future. Kampai!

Happy Birthday!!!

On 14 May 2005, my blog officially turned ONE year old! Happy belated birthday Bloggie! Can't believe I've managed to keep blogging (though intermittently, and none at all for the whole month of March 2005!) for 12 full months! It's a personal record! Hope to keep blogging on!!! (Chocolate Raspberry Cake courtesy of Black Hound New York)

Baru balik kursus...

Muahahaha!!! Aku ni baru balik dari menghadiri symposium yang diadakan di sebuah hotel terkemuka di Langkawi! Seronoknya tak terkata! Al-maklumlah, dok hotel mewah free serta makan minum disponsor sepenuhnya!

Ustaz kata kawasan tepi pantai ni elok buat cleansing dan tapping sebab energy dia baaaaaaiikkkk punye! Tapi makhluk banyak tak hengat sampai tiap kali lepas buat recharge atau tapping kena lak tarik diorang keluar. Last-last bila dah fed up gitu, aku pun buat cleansing jer…

Lagi satu benda buat aku tensen is the toilet kat bilik aku: memang very the Western standard nyer! Dah le siap separately enclosed area, yang maha tak tahan tu adalah takde paip air!!! Aku sebagai orang Melayu (okay ler, okay ler… half Malay, but my Mom was brought up by a Malay family tau?) yang dibesarkan untuk mencuci bontot dengan air yang melimpah-ruah mana boleh terima perkara camni?

Mujur le kawan aku yang pernah pegi sebelum ni dah warning aku awal-awal tentang kelemahan bilik air ni. Dua kali mujur aku tergerak hati untuk bawa Tupperware ice cream yang 1.5 liter tu! Kalau nak mengharap Tupperware air tinggi (yang biasa aku bawa untuk emergency camni) atau gelas comel yang diorang sediakan kat bilik air tu, hmpph… alamat tak berak ler aku 2, 3 hari yang lepas ni! Ewww!

Tapi kelakar gak tengok akak polis airport yang dok scanning beg passenger tu dua kali tarik bagpack aku kuar masuk X-ray machine tu sebab ala-ala tak caya yang dia sedang melihat sebijik Tupperware ice cream (not to mention 2 buntil pop-corn untuk munching-munching) dalam bagpack tu.

However, for all the pitfalls I’d experienced, the trip was a highly enjoyable one! Tima kasih banyak-banyak Syarikat R****. Ada untung, jemput le kami lagi ek?

Kahwinlah anda sebelum anda dikahwinkan...

Bila cakap pasal kawin ni, biasanya pressure tu datang dari kedua orang tua. Tapi nape ntah, for me, pressure tu datang daripada my special studies nyer group lak. Diorang siap pasang azam nak kawinkan aku selewat-lewatnya bila umur aku cecah 30 tau!!? No joke!

Since I came ‘out’ to my parents (and once all the hoo haa, crying and self-blaming about it had died down) they’ve resignedly gave me some space with regards to the topic of marriage.

“Kalau ada jodoh ada laa…”, as they sooo mildly put it.

But NOT my group! Macam-macam reason diorang ketengahkan. Encik Usop dok bagitau how much better kebolehan seorang auratsukai tu once dia dah berkeluarga. Ustaz lak memperkatakan how family life is able to provide the peace that is essential for an auratsukai to channel his/her energy strongly and smoothly. Cik Easy (kawanku yang hampeh dinch memberi sebarang backup pada aku itieww) sekadar terkekeh-kekeh di satu sudut melihat aku melakonkan aksi siput digaram. Atau mungkinkah Easy terfikirkan hasrat meminta bantuan orang kuat bertiga untuk memasang spare tyre barang sebijik dua…? Erk? Haaaaabissslah aku diganyang Nita yang sedang hormone imbalance itiewww!!! Muahahahaha!

Apa-apa pun, Ustaz siap hadiah kat aku Ubat No. 9 lagi (dengan doa special usaha Encik Osman : P )! Ahaks! I really appreciated it tapi risau tu ada gak sebab all this while, my low sex drive is sebahagian daripada penghalang bagi aku menumpang sekaki ‘adik’ ‘kakak’ yang ligat menjaja di tepi-tepi ‘pasar’ atau ‘tasik’ itieww. But then… dah niat tu baik kan? Aku main telan je le ubat tu 3 kali sehari beserta tawakkal.

Hai… macam-macam lak jadi kat aku kebelakangan ni ye? Fenin tau!!? Apa? Pech lorbs sangat ke aku kali ni? Ekekekekek!

Eh? Mana gi duit aku...?

Ntah apa giler ntah, keja (baca sebagai ‘hobi’) baru aku sekarang ialah mengumpul manga yang dah diterjemah ke English.

Nape aku kata giler? Bayangkanlah, satu volume costs at least RM40.00 dan aku mengikuti bukan sekadar satu, tetapi 3 title yang berbeza!!! Dan tiap satu title tu paling-paling baru dah pun memasuki volume yang ke- 4 (oleh itu, sila buat kira-kira adik abang semua dan anggarkan berapa banyak dah duit aku yang masuk ke dalam poket tauke kedai komik tu!).

Giler camne pun aku tetap berpuas hati dengan pembelian aku tu, sebab manga tu semua karya C.L.A.M.P. ! Bagi mereka yang bukan peminat manga sure dah garu kepala dah dengar nama pelik tu kan? C.L.A.M.P. terdiri daripada sekumpulan wanita yang amat berbakat dalam penceritaan, gaya persembahan cerita serta lukisan.

Setiap karya mereka ni mempunyai feel yang berbeza-beza. Ada cerita yang sweet sangat, sesuai bagi bacaan budak-budak kecik (contoh: Cardcaptor Sakura) dan ada juga yang berakhir dengan tragedi (contoh: Tokyo Babylon). Namun semuanya ada parallel dengan kehidupan manusia seharian, cuma ia disampaikan dalam bentuk fantasi.

Tapi yang memang aku kagum adalah dengan artwork yang begitu cantik dan detailed serta kesesuaian apa yang digambarkan dengan cerita dan feel cerita yang sedang disampaikan. Aku tabik spring mereka ini. Hasil kerja yang sebeginilah yang sedang meniup semangat aku untuk kembali berkarya (one of the things I have been putting on the backburner for a long, long time now). We’ll see… : )

Kemarau Panjang (the Long Drought)

It’s been a long, long while since I’ve updated this blog. But presently, this is the type of person I am. Once in a while I will get all fired up about something and go for it like there’s fire on my tail. But once the oil runs dry, I can simply neglect all the hard work that I have been passionately doing.

Rasa sayang gak tinggalkan projek-projek tu terbengkalai camtu so I keep promising myself that I will resume the work one day. Some of my luckier work managed to get done but most are still on the backburner. Hopefully I’ll get to complete them some day but knowing me ada kemungkinan naik hangit menda tu dok perangat lama-lama camtu.

And this is what put me off my true ambition in the first place, that is to be a ‘somebody’ in a creative line of work, like an architect or a photographer or a graphic artist or a mangaka or a novelist- any one of those instead of whatever it is I’m doing right now.

But I still hold in my heart, the hope that one day I will be what I will enjoy being. Itsu ka...

Ri membebel tentang kerja lagi...

I was on-call the whole of last week. It cannot be categorized as a busy week but it was by no means a walk in the park!

I received at least one call for every each day I was on-call and some of those calls irritated the hell out of me!

For example, a client called me up at around 5.45pm asking about her order. The order had been sent at 2.00pm and she was wondering why it still has not arrived at her place.

Since it was supposed to be a rather urgent order, I asked help from my night staff to check it out. After much hassle, we discovered that no such order had been prepared for that day and told the very unsatisfied client so.

It is only when I came in the next morning that we found out what actually happened. The so called order was sent but someone from the client’s office called soon after the order was received and requested that the preparation of the order be withheld until further notice. And they called not once, but TWICE! There were even two stick-it notes on the order form to prove it!

This is truly another Malaysian phenomenon, this inefficient passing over of duty between day staff and night staff so forth and so on at the client’s place that costed us no small amount of effort and time. Tsk, tsk! These Malaysian phenomenon are endless… I’m so damn sick of it!!!

Cacamarba Budaya Kita

Barangkali aku le orang yang paling ‘hangin’ kalau memperkatakan tentang perkhidmatan IT support kat opis aku. Ntah bape banyak dah pahala aku terbang kat diorang dek umpatan dan kejian aku terhadap diorang selama ni.

Harap-harap dapat le cover balik dengan umpatan dan kejian diorang terhadap aku (hehehe…!) sebab aku ni memang banyak sangat songelnya bila minta bantuan diorang. Siapa yang dok menjawab panggilan kat helpdesk tu siap le apabila aku call… Pasti ada je la potpet aku yang terpaksa dilayannya. Kawan aku kata, semua techies kat IT support tu sampai dah kenal dah dengan aku. Ahaks!

Tapi aku rasa memang justified segala rungutan dan komplen aku tentang diorang ni. They don’t seem to be a very coordinated lot. When executing an exercise, it looks as if they have not sat down to discuss all the implications and possible problems that may arise from it.

Oleh itu, selalu le aku nampak diorang ni ke sana ke mari fire fighting. Belum habis penat kerja yang lepas dah kena buat lagi sebab kerja tu didapati incomplete atau mengandungi error dan sebagainya. Takde pulak aku nampak diorang bawak checklist yang berkemungkinan besar boleh membantu diorang untuk pastikan yang semua perkara yang perlu diaddress telah diselesaikan dengan sempurna.

Maybe aku ni terlalu cerewet sebab membandingkan cara kerja orang lain dengan cara aku kerja (Perhatian: Ini kemungkinan kes masuk bakul tekan butang lif semata-mata! Hampir tiada kena-mengena dengan hakikat yang sebenar… OK la… 80% kena, boleh? Ceeewaaahhh!!!), tapi sepatutnya sesuatu kerja itu tidak perlu dibuat dua tiga kali.

But then, when I reflect on it, it’s a very Malaysian phenomenon indeed. For instance, we still can occasionally see roads being dug up to lay out new electric cabling or water piping when it had just been beautifully repaved mere weeks before. Definitely, the resultant patches will have to be paved over again after the work is done. Can’t people see what a waste of resources that is? Not to mention inconvenient to the users? Are they unaware? Or aware but not willing to cooperate? Or aware but unable to make the time tables meet due to some constraint? I guess we’ll never know.

However, I do so hope that this Malaysian phenomenon will go the way of the dinosaurs to make way for a better phenomenon (hopefully, because I don’t think much of the world after mammals, especially the two legged and brainy kind, have taken over).

Firecrackers vs. Azan

Tiba je time Raya Cina, pasti terdengar rungutan pasal bunga api dan mercun, selalunya dari golongan Melayu (Muslim) kita ni lah. Memekak je time orang nak masuk tido- gitu le lebih kurang general opinion yang ada. Tapi kita kena akui, Raya Cina setahun sekali. Bising yang mengganggu tido tu pun biasanya hingga takat hari ke 15 Raya Cina aje.

Saya ingin highlightkan di sini satu perkara yang sering dilupai orang kita adalah time Aidilfitri pun ada gak main bunga api dan mercun (kadang-kadang Aidiladha sekali). Dan lagi satu perkara yang kita lupakan atau mungkin kita tak sedar ialah mengenai Azan, terutamanya time Subuh.

Saya sendiri pun tak perasan perkara ni kerana sebagai seorang Muslim, Azan tu sesuatu yang indah dan biasa. Langsung tiada perasaan terganggu ketika mendengarnya malah jiwa lebih tenang. Namun berdasarkan satu perbualan that I overheard among non-Muslims, diorang menganggapnya sebagai suatu gangguan, especially kalau rumah diorang kebetulan berdekatan surau atau masjid.

Pasti kita sebagai Muslim terasa tercabar dengan statement begini sebab Azan adalah hak kita dalam beragama, tapi cuba kita renung sejenak. Kalau mereka boleh tolerate Azan (terutamanya time Subuh yang sering mereka dakwa menyebabkan tido mereka terganggu) tiap-tiap hari, mengapa kita tak boleh tolerate bunyi bising keraian mereka yang datang sekali setahun itu? In fact, we should be able to accept it better than them sebab kita Muslim. Kita ada konsep sabar dan konsep menghormati jiran. Mengapa perlu merungut? Saya betul-betul kurang faham…

Awang Vampiro

This sketch was inspired by Book II Chapter 8 of Nizam Zakaria's latest online novel 'Awang Vampiro'. It potrays Awang holding a secespita confronting his former companion Kasturi@Damak who is in the process of killing the blind vampire Tiresias. The image of Damak and Tiresias are reflected off the blade of Awang's secespita. Very shoddy sketch but it's my first after 2 years of hibernation..

Ri and the never ending projects...

My e-kawan Isman pointed out to me how outdated my blog is. This is an old problem with me. I have the ambition to write but lack the discipline to keep at it. How I envy all the other bloggers who’ve managed to keep their own sites (and even some other people's sites) alive with their thoughts and comments from time to time, ever current and always exciting.

In fact, this problem extends to almost every part of my life. Most of my personal projects are currently on hold, be it writing or creating artwork (I haven’t even made a single decent sketch for the past 2 years!!!) or learning (Anything! I actually have piano and guitar lessons as well as Japanese classes on the back burner), just because I simply can’t inspire myself to continue with whatever it is that needs doing.

You can imagine how bad this attitude is when you consider the state of my bedroom. It is in a perpetual state of being redecorated. Half of the room is almost immaculate, while the other half is still in boxes or in piles waiting to be rearranged in their proper places. This has gone on since May of 2002.

However, I promise myself that I shall find the will to continue with whatever I had planned and will plan because these are things that I truly love and enjoy. So wish me luck!

Eh, aku pun nak blog pasal tsunami gak...

Kawanku melaporkan bahawa ada insan-insan dari kem-kem tertentu, apabila memperkatakan tentang Tragedi Tsunami, mencebik bibir seraya berkata,

“Tempat-tempat tu kan banyak maksiat, padan le diturunkan bala…”

And the statement was announced with a slightly superior air, seolah-olah maksiat yang berlaku kat sana tu takde kena mengena dengan orang yang berkata-kata tu.

Ingatlah wahai insan, seruan bagi kita ummat Islam adalah ‘Amar ma’ruf, nahi munkar’. Sebelum berkata sedemikian rupa, cuba le muhasabah diri sikit. Ada tak usaha kita untuk menegah mana-mana maksiat yang berlaku sekeliling kita?

Saya percaya, jarang-jarang sekali kita menzahirkannya bukan? Kebanyakan masa kita hanya tak setuju dalam hati je dan kadang-kadang, rasa tak setuju tu pun takde hatta sekelumit pun. Saya tau sebab saya sendiri mengalaminya.

Jika tsunami melanda disebabkan banyak berlaku dosa, maka salahlah juga mereka yang sibuk mengumpul pahala tetapi tidak sudi mengotorkan tangan demi menegah dosa.

Oleh itu, apabila bencana berlaku, beristighfarlah banyak-banyak dan ambillah peringatan. Itu lebih baik daripada kita memperkatakan perkara yang bukan hak kita untuk membicarakan.

Wassalam daripada Ustaz Ri untuk hari ini… Muahahahaha!

Pak Lang in memory...

As I sit here tonight, replying to my emails, my mind brings back memories of a very good friend whom I call Pak Lang. I guess the atmosphere is very similar to that night we first ‘met’.

It was the night before Aidilfitri (I wonder why I’m currently having a lot of Raya stories in mind?). Back then, Pak Lang was doing his masters in UK. He stumbled upon my advertisement at an international email penpal website and, feeling lonely on a Raya night I guess, decided to reply. It was the beginning of a close email friendship. For almost 2 years, over the vast expanses of the internet, we shared our joys and supported each each other through life’s turbulences.

During our entire friendship, we’ve only met twice. The first time was because he personally wanted to pass me an invitation to his wedding. The second time was at the wedding itself. In fact, I actually went to help out at the wedding from the day before. It’s weird considering that I don’t know his family all that well but I guess that’s just the kind of person I am. It also helped that his family was very welcoming and sporting about the whole thing.

Unfortunately, we’ve now almost completely lost touch with each other. The last contact I had from him was an SMS wishing me a happy Aidilfitri this year and there was no further answer to my reply. It’s a sad but very understandable fact that between your work and your family, there is little time for anything else. However, I do wish that this friendship could have endured for as long as we both lived…